Adoption is an emotionally charged word. Some people have heard horror stories about the adoption process, while others have had a precious family member added by adoption. Your personal history with the word, the concept and the experience of adoption can make it hard to evaluate objectively what you think about placing your child for adoption into another family. Most negative “gut reactions” to adoption involve a misunderstanding of some part of the adoption process, as well as myths about birthmothers and adoptive families.

Whether you choose to parent your child or to place your child for adoption, it is important to know that the realities of adoption have changed substantially over the years. Adoption laws have evolved and changed to insure that everyone’s rights – those of the child, those of the birth parents, and those of the adoptive parents – are honored and respected. A LIFE FOR KIDS adoptions specialist will be glad to help you understand more about the process.

Here’s some straight talk about adoption to help you understand what adoption is, what it is not, and what the rights of birthparents, adoptive families, and adoptees are.

I could never carry my baby for nine months only to give it away! ... What kind of mother would I be?

Myth #1: Any birthmother who really cares about her child would never consider adoption. This misunderstanding may be the one that causes the most suffering for birthparents.

To believe that others will think you heartless, cold, uncaring, ruthless, calculating, greedy or selfish if you release your child for adoption is a painful and powerful thought. Some people view adoption as an “unnatural” choice and can have a hard time understanding your choice as a wise and loving one in your circumstances. Far from rejecting your child, when you make an adoption plan, you are showing the depth of your care in a special way. You are realistically evaluating your life situation and choosing to nurture life rather than disposing of your baby as a “mistake.”

The Truth: Most birthmothers who release their children for adoption love them in a deeply self-sacrificing way. Making an adoption plan for your unborn child can just as surely be a loving response to strong maternal instincts as making the decision to parent that child.

I could never give my baby to be raised by strangers. I would never have a chance to know if s/he is happy and healthy. I couldn't live with that.

Myth #2: A birthmother can never know anything about her child and his/her adoptive parents in the years following the adoption. This misunderstanding comes from the past history of U.S. adoptions, since many prior to _____ were conducted in complete secrecy. All official records of the adoption used to be closed or sealed, and it was virtually impossible for either birthparents or adoptees to find one another again. It was thought that this policy of secrecy was best for everyone involved, but was actually often detrimental to the developmental, emotional, physical and personal welfare of the parties involved.

To lovingly carry a baby for 9 months, give birth and then release the baby to complete strangers, believing you many never hear about the child again can result in feelings of helplessness and guilt. The adoptive process has changed to better accommodate the developmental needs of the adopted child for personal information about his/her origin, as well as the needs of the birthparents and adoptive parents for greater information and healthier adjustment to the realities of adoption.

Adoptions at LIFE FOR KIDS are usually conducted in a much more open way with the birthmother making the decision About the adoptive family to which her baby will be released. Depending upon the openness of the adoption, the you can see your child or choose to exchange non-identifying information, exchange gifts and pictures, meet the adoptive family and even exchange names and addresses for future contact.

The Truth: An inflexible policy of total secrecy surrounding the adoption is no longer a reality. Today, you have much more choice and control in the adoption placement plan you make for your baby.

No one will ever be able to love my baby as much as I can.

Myth #3: No set of adoptive parents can love a baby as much as the mother who gives birth to him/her. Adoptive parents can love, nurture, and sacrifice for the welfare of a child as strongly and consistently as birth parents. Good parenting, the ability to bond lovingly with a baby, and consistency in nurturing all involve daily choices to love selflessly and fully. They are not mere byproducts of a biological connection. The birthmother will always have a unique relationship with her child: that child is the product of her body and the love and care she showed to her developing baby in utero and immediately after birth. Wise adoptive parents honor that distinctive contribution and understand that without her nurture during pregnancy and her loving choice to release her baby, the child they adopt could not have been welcomed into their home. A birthmother who has made a brave, thoughtful plan for placing her baby with an adoptive family is counting on them to choose every day to invest deeply, lovingly and consistently in the nurture of her baby. A well-prepared  adoptive family, chosen by the birthmother from among the families carefully screened by LIFE FOR KIDS adoptions specialists, is ready to offering unconditional love and acceptance of a baby placed with them as well as to providing consistent  nurture and care throughout that child’s life.

The Truth: Real parental love is taking action on behalf of the best interests of a child, regardless of what you’re feeling. This kind of real love that makes provision for the best future for a child is what both birthparents and adoptive parents can offer a child.

If I keep my baby, rather than place her for adoption, they maybe my baby's daddy will ... [ ... marry me ... stay with me ... come back to be with me].

Myth #4: A baby can be used as a bargaining chip for sustaining a relationship between birthparents. Your baby deserves to be treated better than that. Babies need and deserve stability, love and nurture from responsible, mature parents. You may want to keep your baby hoping that the connection the baby represents between you will be enough to entice your baby’s father to forge a deeper bond with you. But what you’d really be doing is using your baby as a lure, and that’s not what babies are intended to be.  It rarely works in real life anyway; a birth father who hasn’t “stepped up” already to provide for you and your baby is not likely to suddenly turn into an ideal father simply because you keep your baby hoping to draw him back.

The Truth: Statistically, children raised in loving adoptive homes have stronger identities and higher self-esteem than children raised by single mothers.* Your own hopes for a stable, loving, committed life partner need to be based on mature and responsible relationships and decisions, not on a choice which may deprive your child of the stable, loving home s/he deserves.

I'm worried that my baby will grow up with huge emotional problems because I placed him/her with an adopted family.

Myth #5: All adopted children grow up to have serious psychological problems. Many birthmothers fear that placing their children for adoption will necessarily lead to a life of emotional instability. Many studies conducted over the years have shown that adopted and non-adopted children show no differences as groups in terms of adjustment, delinquency, drug abuse or mental health. Of course, there are adopted children who have problems, just as there are non-adopted children with psychological issues. But adoption itself is not the cause of these. Much of the perception about the development of problems like these comes from the old days when adoption was kept as a “big, shameful secret.” Loving, honest, open, consistent parenting and continuing support for adoptive families and their children seem to be key. LIFE FOR KIDS is sensitive to these concerns and makes a priority of carefully evaluating adoptive families for parenting abilities as well as being willing to assist adoptive parents in celebrating the child's personal adoption story openly and positively.

The Truth: Having secure roots, an awareness of being deeply loved, and caring, consistent parenting is what makes the real difference in the emotional stability of children, not whether they're adopted or not.

I'm afraid I will develop serious emotional problems if I relinquish my child for adoption.

Myth # 6: A birthmother runs the risk of “going crazy” or “having a nervous breakdown” if she places her child for adoption. It is true that you will feel grief, natural and appropriate, after the birth of your child, as well as joy upon seeing your little one. The conflict of feelings is real, but the ability to grieve is actually a sign of mental health, not of emotional instability. A caring Adoptions Counselor will help you walk through the grief process, offer you comfort and assurance as you adjust to the realities of your situation after placing your baby, and then help you move on with your life.

The Truth: Unlike the regrets and emotional problems you would have if you aborted your child, adoption can provide you with the assurance that your child is alive and happy, and with pictures of and knowledge about of your child as s/he grows. You can grieve healthily and then live with the emotional comfort of the certainty of having chosen a wise and loving adoption plan for your child.

I will eventually forget about the child I place for adoption

Myth #7: A birthmother will have to put the memory of her special child behind her and suffer on in silence as she continues with her life. Of course, you don't want to forget your child, nor will you be able to do so. Instead, you want to treasure those memories of your pregnancy, your birth experience, and those precious hours or days with your child in the hospital. You will be able to know what happens to your child as s/he develops and matures.

The Truth: A LIFE FOR KIDS Adoption Counselor will assist you not only through the grief process involved in releasing your child, but also in the process of preserving valuable memories related to your baby as well as building new ones around the contact with your child and his/her adoptive family.

My baby doesn't really need to be raised with a daddy

Myth #8: Fathers and father figures are not necessary to raising a child.  The myth that a mommy is enough, that a two-parent family is not the best option for raising a child, is pervasive – and wrong! Children who grow up in families without a father present are two to three times more likely to abuse drugs and three to four times more likely to commit suicide. Seventy percent of long-term prison inmate grew up in homes without fathers. Children from fatherless homes are five times as likely to grow up in poverty.

The Truth: Children who are raised in a home full of love from two parents have a better chance at excelling in life and an easier time coping with life's challenges. When a father is present and actively involves himself in the adopted child’s life, that child can develop a healthy foundation for future relationships with men. A loving and devoted father also models for children the commitment factor that helps create a healthy marriage and home. A child with this kind of male role model is a step ahead in developing their own good relationships later on in life.

*Lutherans for Life, “Adoption Facts and Fallacies,”
www.lutheransforlife.org/adoption/10-05-00